Agape could not be written before now, 10 years after the publication of Dans des Weerziens, slowly I started on it very cautiously, not yet knowing whether I will persevere. For a long time I was still in an alignment where I could not detach myself from the longing for my essential other and from the fear of being left empty-handed and heartbroken. And although there were really long periods when I thought I had finally overcome this, because it just wasn't palpable anymore and I was convinced that nothing could touch me from Him anymore, because I really thought I was detached from any expectation towards my EA, this supposed detachment turned out time and again to have been a temporary state that was insufficiently anchored in my being.

Indeed, as many phases presented themselves in which triggers mercilessly threw me back into a feeling and a state in which I felt sad, disillusioned, so immensely vulnerable and even broken. Further inner development had to take place in me first in order to break free from the emotional rollercoaster and dynamics of attraction and repulsion that I described in Dance of Return.

There was even a point where I totally lost faith that I could ever heal and thought I had to accept that this was my fate. He was still palpable in me every second, even though by now there was years of separation that he ended at one point by contacting me again at an unexpected time. The roles seemed to be reversed then, but the persistent patterns that were allowed to be broken still presented themselves again over time. Answers to the many questions that lived in me because of the remote triggers were still awaited. There could be no actual presence with each other yet, openness and transparency was far away.

No sooner than now can I truly say that I have finally arrived where I can be happy without my EA and that there is no more unsustainable desire or fear of loss. Just when he is still regularly letting me know he is there, perhaps even more available than he has ever been, I feel it is currently impossible to cope. This time not because he denies the connection, on the contrary, but because I no longer necessarily need to experience this connection through an earthly relationship. The love is as intensely palpable as ever, but I can't connect it to my EA's personality. He feels that, he knows that. He can no longer find me where I was accessible to him before.

And so it is destined to be for now, knowing that much will follow and that this will transcend our personalities. After all, we have signed on for this journey allowing our souls to descend further to create a beautiful earthly love experience that will replace the difficult and painful memories, creating the space for this divine oneness.