Excerpts from Dance of Return:

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Surprised by love

From the moment he left after that first treatment, an intense love fell over me. My soul had been touched deep, deep inside and he has not been out of my thoughts for a second. From that moment, there was the desire to know him. I couldn't control my breath even when he was gone. It was as if I was experiencing a reunion with someone and still had some space to get used to it. I plopped down on the sofa in my practice and closed my eyes. I didn't even remember what his face looked like, as I had mostly had my eyes closed during the reading. I decided to take a moment to myself and with my eyes closed, I concentrated on my own energy and breathing.

The image of a man and woman appeared before my mind's eye. It was the image of Ramses and me, but we looked different. Beams of light shone into our bodies and from each point of light there was a total connection with each other. Everything was connected, even our hands, knees and feet. Energy cords entwined everywhere. If those two energy bodies came even closer together, they would dissolve, merge into the whole. They would be everything and nothing. Only an infinite space would remain.
I felt myself becoming unwieldy and heavy inside and drifted into a state between sleeping and waking. What I can only remember from that is that there were a lot of figures standing around me, one of whom was a woman speaking. She spoke to me in an unknown language and to this day I don't know the literal meaning of the words she uttered to me:

"Séolé, belu lot. Ai doma naha, doma naha lot."

The access to the non-physical world closed. I had been aware the whole time that I was still in my practice space. I immediately wrote down the words phonetically. When I uttered them myself, I entered completely into my feminine energy, i.e. a kind of higher feminine energy that transcends earthly womanhood. They seemed like words to strengthen me to be able to lighten heavy pieces. Words to be able to accept what was to come, so that through the tumult and overwhelming framework of it, I would never, ever lose sight of my own core. The guidance I had just glimpsed was of essential value.

I needed to talk to someone about this and decided to call my brother. He wasn't too keen on experiences he couldn't explain from his own sobriety, but he saw me as someone who had found a healthy balance between these two worlds. We both came from the same sober nest and even though I regularly dwelled in two different worlds, my feet remained firmly on the ground. My brother had had enough of that during our childhood. He listened to me quietly and apparently I had managed to convey the impact of the experience well to him, because he did not criticise at all. He felt the impression that meeting Ramses had left on me.
"It's like I'm building a bridge back to myself." My brother could not immediately find an explanation for the whole event either and replied, "Well, let's wait and see if this is the bridge for you, or if you need to go one more bridge."

All my heart and soul cried out for Ramses and at the same time I felt his presence in me very strongly, but I did not know what was the meaning of this. It was as if we were uniting at a distance. In the two weeks that followed, this became even more apparent. Physically, I seemed to be completely awakened: I wanted to be desired and coveted, lust combined with the depth of love, when in fact he did not have the looks I would normally fall for. I knew it was true, I felt it. I still feel it. It became an inner knowing: we have known each other for centuries.

After a few days, the logic came: LET GO! What do I want with this? No way, he is eight years younger, his world. He was always on the move and had his mobile phone glued to his ear, so to speak. He was connected to a world that could never be mine. At the time, I had no notion at all of the true extent of all this, but a truly uncomplicated boy he did not appear to be. THIS CANNOT BE!

And at that moment he called with, I think, another excuse about his back. In the background, I heard the song 'With or without you' by U2. I recognised it immediately, as U2 has long been my favourite group. There were many silences and yet much was said. When he called me for the third time within a week, I finally told him that I had been thinking about him a lot and had also thought about the things he had said. He said, "I know that, I feel that. Don't you know who I am yet?" I couldn't give him a concrete answer to that yet so I said, "We can discuss that during our next appointment."

He called for the fourth time. The next appointment was almost at the door, but it was still taking so long to my mind. I was counting down the days. I was going crazy with desire for contact with him, which was strange in itself because I had not been hot for a man for many years. It was clear that he was always looking for a reason to be in contact with me, but he always lapsed into silence. However, I could no longer remain professional, I could no longer see this as a business arrangement. He could no longer be my client, so I broke the atmosphere by saying I was thinking about him every second. And then he broke open and told me that he was going crazy with desire for me on many levels: physical, mental and spiritual. And then he expressed that he really wanted to be with me. He even uttered the words: "I love YOU." And while these are words that can be spoken very easily by some, I felt that for him this was not so easy and also I felt how sincerely he had spoken them. This message from him came to me tremendously. And now I remained silent for a moment. Ramses joined in the silence, as if the energy of these words needed space to do the work it was meant to do.

Normally, I would have laughed and maybe I would have even said, "Oh, that will pass." I would have dealt with it very light-heartedly. However, this was an intense experience for me and so I expressed my feelings to him, but also my fears and doubts. I explained that I could not explain it myself, but that I genuinely had profound feelings for him. However, I considered it impossible to be with him, because of the age difference, but also because of the professional and related life choices he had made, as this would require me to enter a world I found unsafe and totally undesirable. Ramses had made choices in his life that could not be mine. He had quietly listened to me and responded very understandingly: "I understand you completely. Will you please write me a letter expressing your feelings to me?"
I felt the energy flowing throughout my body and soul. Everything was opened, all channels. As if I was finally born whole, completely becoming myself. Everything was flowing, overflowing! What was this? I felt this intense love that became almost unbearable.
I said, "I want to cherish you." Those were the only right words, straight from my heart, encompassing the charge of what I felt for him. He got quiet and said, "No one has ever said that to me before."

The turnaround

I wrote a letter, very vulnerable and sincere, but as I was writing, I felt that something had changed with him. As if he was very distant and his energy had drained away completely. I decided to send the letter anyway, but I actually knew so much already. I was given a feeling and if I concentrated on that feeling, I received a lot of information. In this way, I was prepared a little bit each time for what was to come and still had enough space left to undergo the experiences I apparently needed to undergo. The day our second appointment was to take place, Ramses left a message on my answering machine: "Hello Maria, it's Ramses. What's up? We had an appointment tonight, but I can't keep it. I'll call you tonight after 8pm to reschedule."

My feelings were confirmed and it made me very uneasy. Why does my gut never lie? In the evening, at 8:15pm, he called. I heard right away that I had a different Ramses on the phone. He was very distant, purely businesslike. He wanted to postpone the appointment by a week. He didn't say a word about our phone conversations, nor did he say anything about the letter I had sent him. I wouldn't be myself if I didn't bring up this palpable reversal, so I asked, "What is this? What does this turnaround in your behaviour mean?"

Experience would show that Ramses turned over like a leaf on a tree every time. It was as if he could never keep his attention on anything for long enough. You never knew what to make of him. At times he was very loving and yearning to be admitted to me and once access was granted, he would immediately show me every corner of the room, figuratively speaking. Ramses clearly had two personalities. I learned very quickly to know who I was talking to within seconds. I could hear everything in the first sound of his voice.

He was ironic and his voice sounded overly tough when he said, "I've been thinking. Our lifestyles don't fit together. I have come to you with a message: you should stop shutting yourself off. You should allow a man into your life. That is the intention. I want you to be happy with another man." I thought to myself, "Why is this so important to you?" And also I said I wanted to see him one more time. He got angry and his voice even got unnecessarily harsh when he asked me, "Have you talked to anyone about me sometimes?" I could sense his aggression but was not afraid, so I told him that I had indeed talked to my brother about him. "And what did he say?" I ignored that question, took a neutral stance and reiterated that I wanted to look him in the eye one more time to finish this properly. He would come at 9pm. And he came!

Then I could get a good look at him for the first time. Again the confirmation: I knew him. I knew that we had once been very important to each other and that love from then was palpable now and here. This was not about Ramses himself. He reeked of cigarette smoke and his behaviour was far below par. He did not remove his cap this time. There before me stood an insufferable macho whom I should have thrown out on the spot, but I handled this calmly. He looked nothing like the man who had sat in the chair with me two weeks earlier. He was showing strange behaviour. After this night everything would be over, then I would never let him in again.

The burly man did not look at me. He took off his coat, sat down and asked for a glass of water. I said nothing, just wanted to look at him. My gaze was neutral as I wanted to observe very closely what was going on here. He fixed his gaze on me and only then did his hat come off. First of all, I addressed him on his aggressive attitude on the phone and he immediately apologised. I decided to totally ignore his tough behaviour. Next, I asked if I could grab him. I don't know where I got this from, because it did not fit at all with what I would normally, in all likelihood, have done in such a situation. He looked at me in surprise for a moment, but immediately lifted me onto his lap, as if I were a feather.
We just held each other. For me, it was an expression of something that flowed effortlessly from me to Ramses and I was not ashamed of it. I didn't care if it was reciprocated, what I felt was separate from that. He was allowed to make fun of me or draw his own conclusions, I wanted to reach out to him and no outward display on his part could hinder this.

In that complete surrender, I realised that I no longer chose to continue living the rest of my life as I had done until then: without being nourished by a man's love and without sharing my love with a man. I yearned to be allowed to experience this again. I wanted to be loved as a woman. However, I did not want sex with Ramses, even though that desire was very powerfully present in his absence. I just wanted to be firmly in his arms. He clearly did not know how to put a loving arm around someone, because with one hand he grabbed my neck. I could no longer move my head to the right or left. He just looked at me and held me completely clamped down.

I shared my feelings about love with him and this seemed to impress him, because for a moment he pressed me tighter against him and there was a moment of warmth. Now, indeed, it seemed that I was confirming him in the message he said he should have brought me: to allow a man into my life with whom I would be happy. Ramses was the messenger; his arrival had a deeper meaning. Heaven and earth came together very briefly for me at that moment. The moment I had decided to stay alone for the rest of my life, Ramses came my way to intervene, or so I thought.

Contact with Ramses caused sensations on many levels. There were the physically perceptible things and the non-physical. Again, all sorts of things were happening internally, beyond the things I could perceive with my senses. Left and right in my body this time, I felt two glowing currents starting up. It was so powerful that it caught my total attention and I had to guide all this through my breath, which again did not flow like an automatic life flow. My stomach glowed inside like a glowing sun. It spread throughout my body. Something miraculous was happening here and I let it happen. My body reacted violently and I could only endure it. All my chakras were connecting with his. Even the energy centres in my arms, legs and feet. Ramses still held me tightly and wanted more. I didn't, because I felt no passion and besides, I felt so clear that his actions were separate from his heart. I had absolutely no desire to go along with this. For a moment, I doubted whether the past ten years had ripped all the feeling out of me. No, this was a sign that I was carrying a very powerful protection. An energy that was watching over me. I felt carried in this strange situation. This was not the intention between Ramses and me. I only wanted to talk to him, give him something to take away, but I most certainly did not want a sexual connection.

I observed his behaviour while looking at him again very neutrally. He took off his shirt and walked back and forth through my practice space with his upper body bared. At that moment, I tried to take him as seriously as possible, but everything was so transparent to me. He could not impress me with his strong, muscular body and he understood that immediately, because he did not come near me anymore. He stayed in front of his favourite painting again, without saying anything. Because of the behaviour he displayed here tonight and because of the theme I had seen during the reading, I asked him when he had last had sex. After a brief hesitation, he said, "Yesterday!"

I could no longer remain serious as I began to find the situation more and more absurd. So I could no longer suppress a laugh, because if that had actually taken place it could not have been much to my feeling. I could not envy the woman it had taken place with. This did not feel at all like a valuable and loving togetherness between two people. Ramses knows no bonding from the heart! Somewhat humorously, I said, "So, so, you 'love' me and you celebrate with another." And inside myself I thought, "What on earth have I gotten myself into." He looked at me inquiringly when I asked him right after, "Did I help you hurt someone else now?" "No, don't worry about that."

Six months later, he would shed a different light on that.

He paced around the room a bit and started asking me all sorts of questions: "Do you meditate? Do you have a Bible? You must have a Bible. Just put it in your home. Don't close yourself off anymore. Become happy with a man. I want you to be happy. Women are crazy! There are so many crazy women out there. I'm not a misogynist, but you have no idea what's out there. You are not a disturbed woman. You are a strong woman, confident."

No, Ramses was indeed not a woman-hater it would later turn out, but neither could he feel love for them. He did not love himself. He apparently felt the need to tell me a few more things about his origins and the reputation of the men in his family, and he proudly admitted that he was in fact a child who would probably never grow up. This was the only piece of self-awareness I could testify to that evening. I looked at him. He looked at me and we just grabbed each other very tightly again. Despite the display, I still felt a lot of warmth for him, but I had observed enough that night and decided it was time to say goodbye to each other. It was fine. He had made his message clear and I agreed with him. We were not a match for each other at all.

"Ramses, I never want to see you again. I don't want you to call me anymore, nor do I want you to come for treatment." He looked at me and said with a smile that was immediately followed by a serious look, "I don't think we are meant to never see each other again."

"Intention or no intention, still I want it that way. I need to get on well with myself again." Ramses looked at me again, sighed and said, "And thanks to you, I also need to get on with myself now."

In a flash, I felt sadness. I had felt a love connection again, very intense. A soul exchange that I also had to let go of immediately. It could not even have blossomed. It had come and immediately disappeared. I felt fear and doubt, because would I ever again be allowed to experience and share what I had felt inside with another man? How could I have lived without it for so long? I knew I couldn't go on without this feeling, even if I wanted to.

He put his shirt and jacket back on, put on his cap and looked at me. It was as if he was wondering if he had shocked me enough for the evening. He walked towards the door with something that looked like a smile but was actually the mask of his own inability. "Lock up tight and promise me you will call me if you need me."
"I won't, I don't want any more contact. Bye Ramses." And I closed the door right behind him. If everyone he had said this to had actually called on him, he would have had a double full-time job.

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