The release of DANS DES WEERZIENS forced me to face my greatest fear: losing (the love of) my essential other. The book actually led to months of separation after the tornado of his anger swept over me, as he was shocked that I had shared everything in such detail. He was afraid that the deceit and lies, his three double agendas, would come out and have adverse consequences for him because when Dans des Weerziens was published, one of his girlfriends, the one he was living with at the time, turned out to be expecting their baby. At that time, however, he was still alleviating his own pains by doing what he thought he had to do, and those actions did not show love for himself, but an immediate, yet temporary satisfaction of his needs, whether at the expense of another or not. However, the struggle within himself was too great to dwell on that.

He thought I would simply write about the love I felt for him, our connection, feeling each other aloof. He thought the book was a written adoration of him. He did not expect me to describe in such detail the fierce patterns and challenges, and the very fear of love. The fear expressed in the most challenging scenarios a person could imagine. And though that fear reigned supreme with him, he could not stay angry with me for long. He forgot that I was also exposing myself immensely and placing myself as a target for possible harsh criticism from people who did not know what this process entailed. I too found myself naked in my environment and not even that alone. I had a role model role as a high school teacher, and several colleagues and parents of students also read the book......

However, the majority of the responses came from people going through the same process and they were sincere expressions of gratitude, because they could finally read that they were not going through this alone and I did it for that. It had never been my intention to harm him, the whole process intrigued me so much that I just had to write about it from that layer of feeling that others recognise themselves so much in and that makes others think they cannot hold their own. I did comply with his request not to give lectures in Maastricht and the surrounding area and for that I also had to cancel a lecture with a fellow therapist with whom he appeared to have been consulting since 2001, when he was in doubt about which woman to choose. Because I went to lunch with her years later, after she too had read the book, I heard this incredible story. My name had not come up in any consultation. He kept me a secret, no one knew of my existence.

After releasing Dance of reunion in 2012, several more years of intense experiences followed, which I did not describe anymore, however, because it was a repetition and aggravation of the patterns I had already described. It became bizarre... and went from bad to worse, at times really making me wonder if he was not doing certain things on purpose to hurt me, I could no longer explain this from "the fear of love". And although he had made the statement to me that we were twin souls and I initially resisted it vehemently in 2005, I wondered if he could feel love at all.....

The climax was reached when his mother died in June 2014 and he contacted me after months of separation that followed a pretty intense time together. I had sensed something from him, but didn't know what it was, and I felt so miserable that I had to call in sick at school. I had sensed that something intense was going on. The moment he called to tell me this news, everything fell away, I forgot everything that had been there, we just picked up the thread and the interaction was beautiful and deep, but as soon as the funeral was over, he lapsed into his old disrespectful behaviour. I could no longer handle this and closed the door. I went to America and witnessed 'The Union' by famous twin-flame couple Lee & Sherry Patterson. On my return, a friend told me I should sit down and take a good look. It turned out he had entered into relationship number 4 and, in addition, he was calling girlfriends of hers at night because he "needed to be free". He also appeared to have been in contact with her ex-sister-in-law for quite some time and was still maintaining casual contacts through Badoo. "I am not loyal to women," he said a while ago. And I was told everything while I was not looking for it. I didn't follow his doings and kept to myself. And yet all that info came to me. I almost couldn't get it processed and then the turning point came in me.

I got in touch with Joannie, she guided me on three intensive inner journeys, where I was allowed to literally and figuratively "vomit out" and shake out everything I could not digest. I found my inner peace, even when I heard in December 2015 that a public text message from him was projected at the 'Serious Requests' house in which he had asked his current girlfriend to marry him, the girlfriend to whom he could therefore not be faithful either. This later turned out to be a joke, he told me. They also had a son together and I hoped that this time he could find the peace and commitment to be a good father and husband. Not because he had to, but because his heart told him to. People can change.What he had not thought about at the time is that sooner or later, not the book, but his own actions would catch up with him, allowing him to stand for who he really is to make the connection with his true self. After all, everything comes to light to give love in yourself a chance.

Right now we are living in the year 2022, we have been through a lot. Contact is still there, but I am now in a very different frame of mind. I no longer feel the ultimate fear of possibly never coming together with my essential other in a loving earthly relationship. For me now, the trick is not to fill in the future, neither positively nor negatively, because the way I feel now, I no longer aspire to an earthly relationship with him either and don't even feel the need for contact anymore. I still cherish the love, it is palpable in me, for life, for myself, for him, but I do not link this to his personality. And maybe this is a phase where everything that has taken place within the connection over the past 2 decades is allowed to heal, leaving an actual openness. He continues to reach out, he still tries to continue certain patterns, but he can no longer find me where he once found me and I cannot join where he is. He has not yet found the key that has been kept deep within himself and is waiting there for the moment when the love within him lights up to such an extent that its warm brilliance dissolves all barriers.

As the last copy of Dance of reunion has found the predestined reader, I will be able to close this chapter within my twin process completely for good, and I will be able to fully walk the path that has been revealing itself to me internally for quite some time. And although you cannot predict the future and I also have my own process to go through, so I don't always know what will follow for me, because I have something to live through, as far as I am concerned, the physical contact has come to a definite end, not the inner connection, but I myself am not aiming for an earthly coming together and it seems as if my experience has simply been destined to be able to support others, because I deeply feel what is going on within the separate connections between people who turn to me for clarity in their story. For me, the love has always been palpable in those stories, with a few exceptions.....

There is a lot of movement in twinland and while that movement may not be tangible or visible to everyone, it is. I cannot stress enough how important it is to keep the focus on yourself, even if you feel you are connected to the other 24/7. After all, it's a connection that can never be broken, even if you or the other person make decisions that don't reflect this! It is important to trust the choices you make and also your twin's choices, even if these are actions that seem to move you further apart. The fact that such choices are being made is a sign that the earthly component (the personality) is not connected to its own divine part (the essence) and is therefore still pulling the stories towards itself which will eventually make it bow its head to that which cannot be denied. Loving the other unconditionally, yes it is beautiful, but what about loving yourself? And does it bear witness to love for yourself if you allow what is happening from an unconscious state to come over you, because you want so much to be together? It is better to cherish the other person from a distance. For you can do nothing to help the other awaken to his own potential, no conversations, no sacrifices, none of that will make your wish come true sooner. It is an inner process that is self-cleared. You can't push away the connection, but you don't have to throw pearls before swine. At some point it doesn't hurt anymore, at some point it becomes quiet within you and you are at peace with what is.

The fear of never coming together with your essential other will really have to be lived through, because only through this will you come to be fully in your power and not remain stuck in dependencies, making you vulnerable and impressionable to illusionary stories and promises that you so desperately want to cling to, because in this way your fear does not have to be faced and you get reassurance where in fact no reassurance can be given, because this is an essential part of the process that is allowed to be overcome within yourself. Fortunately, a number of leading "twine experts" have stopped publishing and re-publishing the exact same (false) hopeful articles, which stated, "Now is the time to come together, now is the time, now it is going to happen, now soulmates and karmic relationships are disappearing from their lives" etc. etc. These articles did more damage than anything else, because the disillusionment, tearing and pain if it then turned out not to happen for you was almost insurmountable. Then you certainly hadn't done your inner work well enough, or you certainly hadn't done your best. As if you had to point the finger at yourself for doing something wrong. A kick after, on top of the intense grief you were already living through. In short, harrowing situations and a lot of unnecessary misery, because there is nothing you can do to speed up or slow down the process. It takes as long as it takes. So the expected massive gathering did not materialise and my practice filled up with people, mostly women, but very definitely men as well, who had lost their minds and were so desperate that it was difficult to enjoy life. I got to experience the stories of these people and there were many similarities, there are certainly general tendencies to be identified as well, but each couple has their own coding and follows their own pace in the process that is unique to them. Use your discernment!

Don't resist what you feel. It is not conducive to remain stuck in emotional dependence on your essential other or in anticipation of the other's surrender. Surrender to yourself and whatever presents itself internally, not from willpower, but by feeling what you feel and not being afraid of it, because it brings you back to you. Life and the soul process invite you to come to the expression of your core even apart from your essential other and to rise into the power of your essence! In the light of this power, there is no room for secrets. This love does not cast a shadow over things, but rather highlights that which is not connected to love! This phase that was characterised by the mechanism of attraction and repulsion may be considered the preliminary work, the initial phase that cannot be expressed in earthly years. This was necessary to form a new, pure and powerful foundation where there are no more obstructive unconscious influences. The developments within the connection continue, but it is time to heal from what has been, so that we come to willingness to welcome a new phase, a new alignment within the connection, with a fully open heart without looking back at what has been.

© Maria Quesada